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So. I know you're sick of talking about this, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't want to put terms on what I think we are or what I want us to be, because frankly I don't think either of us can handle that. I keep thinking about last week. About when you overreacted cuz I didn't see your texts, about when you told me there were those parts of that White Houses song that reminded you of me, and how you wanted to be with me all the time, just like I did you. And I know you think nothing's changed. But every day that passes, I notive YOU change more and more, at least in how you're acting towards me. And I told you before that, yes, I'm falling. But I've only known you for one week. That's it. And I'm starting to watch things I feel float away because things are way different. I know you've changed, whether its your feelings or whatever, or maybe you were just looking for someone to connect with to help you forget about Dave, I don't really know, but I do know that I'm obsessive and smothering and I don't want to bother you anymore with any of this. I'm gonna say what I've been too scared to say the whole time. Because it conveys exactly what I feel. If you can't pick me, if you can't talk about this, if I don't know what going on, I don't want to be a part of this. At least not until I forget about how much I really liked the person I thought was you. I'm not going to go into how sad I am and blah blah blah how this sucks or whatever because I'm sure you already know. But we're all humans, and we all have the same basic emotions, and I'm confused because I don't know what to do. I do like you Bryan. Nothing's changing for me. Which is why I've decided now that if you've really changed, I have to change too. I have to change my thought patterns and processes to forget about you. Because that's the only thing that is going to make me feel better. I keep thinking that all I want to hear from you is "Oh, man, Ryan, I wanted to tell you how much I like you too, but I just couldn't blurt it out," or something to that sappy effect. But I know it's not going to happen. This is all really just confusing to me, and I know that as long as you're living with Dave and cohabitating when you guys aren't over each other, I can't be anything else to you than another friend or another face. And I understand that that's how things need to be right now. But by the time you two make your decisions, I'm not going to be here. I'm going to college. I'll then be an HOUR away, and who knows what I'll be doing? I keep talking in circles. I've always been an incredibly emotional person and I know that I'm blowing this out of proportion and you don't understand me and that's okay. I just needed you to know this stuff. So I really am truly sorry for making you more confused. And I'm sorry that I can't shut up. But last week was pretty close to like the best week I've had all year, and I think what you don't realize is that you have your ex or me. You just make the decision. Dave has you or Kyle. I have you or wasted time. Wasted breath. Not wasted because I didn't enjoy getting to know you. Wasted for all the emotion I thought you felt along with me. AND YES the more I type all this out the more I feel like an absolute idiot, because this isn't how a relationship is supposed to work. But I can't slow down, man. Everything just keeps getting bigger and badder and harder to deal with. And I can feel myself getting hurt even though you don't think you are right now. I urge you to call me when you want; when you have the time or when you just want to talk. But I can't be responsible anymore for wanting to talk to you about this or bothering you. I'll do my best to be your friend but I have to force myself not to have feelings for you so that I don't get completely crushed. I'm sorry we couldn't be there for each other. And I'm sorry everything changed. But you know, it's strange, just like the song said "it's all too sweet to last." |
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So everyone knows that it's been a really long time since I've went completely gaga for a guy. It's been well since Scott or even Robby. I'm talking Kyle talk here. Bryan and I have been seeing each other for about a week and I have seen him every day since last Sunday. EVERY DAY. We've been talking on the phone and like on the computer typing shit. We always know what each other is doing. And while I'll admit that things are going really really fast, I feel as if we're both on the same page. It seems really great an everything. I even asked him to go to my Christmas Party for Lakeview. It was alright, afterwards I had a good time too and we slept next to each other. But then Dave started texting him early this morning and he was answering him and stuff. Like I have no problem with his ex. They still live together because their lease doesn't end until March, and they text all the time because THEY WERE IN RELATIONSHIP FOR A YEAR and now they're not. Nobody seems to get that. I would do the same thing. But you know at 8 in the morning is a little excessive don't you think? So I asked B about it today and it overexplodes into this huge mess about how we're going too fast even though I thought everything was going at a good pace for both of us. The stupid thing is that it didn't even need to happen. I didn't need to say anything and we'd still be good. He made a good point though by saying it's better to be honest than have it explode. I guess the only thing I'm confused about is that he really likes hanging out with me, because we've done it every day for the past week. We've slept together. And everytime I get sappy he really likes it and I feel good because I'm saying something really true. If we both have feelings for each other, is it okay to still go out? What I want the most is not to be a rebound, but I'm scared that I already am. Is it possible that we really are something or am I just convincing myself of something that will never be? I fricken cried already and I feel really stupid. It seems though that today is the first day that he hasn't taken my "sweet" comments and showed reciprocation. Usually he smiles and tells me I'm sweet. Today he just said he was confused and he didn't know what to do. I don't want to break up with him at all. He's the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time. WHAT I WANT BRYAN TO KNOW: My way of being nice and opening up comes when I feel comfortable enough to be me around you. I want you to do what's right for you, but if it's really not an issue, let's not make it one. I trust you and I want to make more memories with you :) |
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50 Quickies 1) Who is the last person you high-fived? Cheri 2) If you were drafted into a war, would you survive? Yea. Cuz I'm gay and I'd hit on my sarg or whatev haha. 3) Do you sleep with the TV on? No way. 4) Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton? No cuz milk I buy isn't in cartons, okay BUT i have drank it out of the like plastic thing when I was doing the full house chocolate milk thing. 5) Have you ever won a spelling bee? Yep. 5th grade. 6) Have you ever been stung by a bee? Like once. 7) How fast can you type? Been complimented on it. 8) Are you afraid of the dark? Not really. Soemtiems when I wake up in the middleof the night from a pesadilla :\ 9) Eye color? green 10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in? No although I have been to one twice. 11) When is the last time you took a bath? maybe like a year ago? 12) Do you knock on wood? Usually laminate 13) Do you floss daily? Usually every other day 15) Can you hoola hoop? yes 16) Are you good at keeping secrets? it depends on who it is and what the secret is 17) Lots of one night stands? uhhh... 18) Do you know the Muffin Man? yes his name is marc. 19) Do you talk in your sleep? sometimes. about batman and men with long whiskers chasing me. 20) Who wrote the book of love? fleetwood mac. 21) Have you ever flown a kite? when i was very very little 22) Do you wish on your fallen lashes? when i see them 23) Are you successful? no but i'm on my way 24) How many people are on your contact list of your cell? 75ish 25) Have you ever asked for a pony? no 26) Plans for tomorrow? work. then running. 27) Can you juggle? like 4 times. 28) Missing someone now? yea... 29) When was the last time you told someone I Love You? last time i meant it was when i was talking to lindsay 30) And truly meant it? uh yea. 31) How often do you drink? maybe twice a month. to get drunk like once every other month. i hate it. 32) How are you feeling today? a little tired, but nice and relaxed 33) What do you say too much? yea, well 34) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? no 35) What are you looking forward to? thanksgiving! 36) Do you like fruit punch? i love it 37) Have you ever eaten dog food? yea but it was a dog treat at work in madison. i remember ilda's face. haha priceless 38) Can you handle the truth? i pretend i can 39) Do you like green eggs and ham? my mom made it once for st patricks day but there was no ham. just green eggs and milk 40) Any cool scars? not really except one from when i was playing frisbee when i was little and i fell on a garden stake 43.) Do you like coffee? hat eit. 44.) Ever been heart broken? yep 45.) What do you want for Christmas? money and clothes 46.) Do you like to travel? i don't often but i'm looking to change that 47.) Whats on your mind right now? last night 48.) What does your cell phone look like? yea P. O. S. andi is correct 49.) Do you ENJOY DRIVING? for fairly small amounts of time (< 2 hours) 50.) Where are you right now? my room |
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Hoy es miercoles. Me prometi que no seria tan preocupado con todo lo que hago con mi dinero-- en cuanto gasto (una palabra elegido por mi mama, no por mi) y cuanto puedo pagar. Me di cuenta hoy tambien que es algo necesario, porque si en hecho me aceptan la universidad (algo que explicare mas tarde), no quiero tanto en mis tarjetas que no puedo pagar lo minimo cada mes. Pero si soy estricto con mi dinero, y mis padres me ayudan un poquito con lo que les doy cada mes, solo tendre 3 tarjetas cuando empiezo mis estudios en enero, tal que tenia cuando termine mis estudios en Madison. Ayer fui de compras con Craig, y le regale unas camisetas y una botella de cologne de Macy's. Nos divertimos. Mis ejercicios han bajado un poquito, de correr mas que dos kilometros y media tres dias de la semana ya menos que dos. Corri lunes, y ya es hora de hacerlo otra vez, pero no tengo ganas de hacerlo. Fumo tanto que lo encuentro bastante dificil. En otras noticias, finalmente descubre que realmente, mi tamano ha bajado tambien mas de 8 centimetros. Soy 31/29. Quisiera definir mas mis musculos, pero de repente estoy tan cansado que no me gustaria correr. Espero que me mejore mas en el bienestar de mi cuerpo. Me debo a mi. Extrano a mis amigos, pero ya he empezado un nuevo chapitre en mi vida. Por enero, quiero estar en De Pere en St. Norbert's University. He realizado tambien un major de Estudios Internacionales con enfasis en espanol, y, quizas, japones. Espero que pueda continuar hasta una unversidad segundaria para cumplir un Masters en un tema casi lo mismo que a St. Norbert's. Que tenga suerte, no? Y ya me despido. Hasta pronto. |
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Wow. Long week. Went to the doctor Tuesday; he told me my depression was gone (knew that) but that I had a possible anxiety disorder? Who knew? Certainly not me. Hung out with Sean last night. Pink pills and green smoke. It was a good time. Although it really drained me for money. I'm completely broke until next Friday. Boo. Madison on Halloween looks like it's not going to be an option this year. Good news though? I finally broke through my weight loss barrier. I'm down to 160, which I've been on-and-off trying to acheive since like three weeks ago, with only 3 pounds to lose. So hooray. For the most part, I feel a lot better about life. I'm much more independent now than I thought I would be at this point, but that doesn't mean I liked the transition. It's tough when you think the person you're with could be someone you want to spend a lot of time with. Kind of like that song by the Veronicas: "There was a time I thought you were the one, having some fun, getting it done, what an illusion" But anyways. I'm supposed to meet a new boy tonight. That should be interesting. I decided to wear my suit today because it's the first time I could fit in it since I was 14. Turns out I'm a little too eager, my hips are like bruising because my pants are so tight. Damnnn. Also, I was going to go to Plato's Closet to get rid of some of my stuff that's still real nice but doesn't fit, AND MY MOM TOOK MY PANTS TO GOODWILL. Ugh, I never effing told her to do that. I would never do that if I had the slightest inkling (sp?) that that might not be what someone else wanted. There was one pair in there that I was really looking forward to getting priced too because they were just like new. I dunno, I'm not making a big deal out of it because shit happens, but man, it just fucking sucks. Anyways. That's all I got.
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I've come to realize that my problems exist on multiple levels of codependence, and regardless of the fact that I have people that support me, I'm too selfish to appreciate them. After all, isn't it always the people you want support from don't give it to you? It goes full circle that if a need is satisfied, it's not a need anymore. So why beat myself up over nothing? Getting used to something isn't boring, it's stable. And while stability may not be the most exciting thing in the world, it's a huge help. Shout out to the moms and grandmas and aunts of the world who are there for you when you need it. |
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This is going to be a long one. This week has been so fucked up. Start with a month long relationship with an asshole that I couldn't help but fall for immediately. Flatteringly jealous, really attractive, illegal alien from Columbia. We spent six nights/days a week together and I don't know how I convinced myself that he liked me so blindly. Being the idiot that I am, I borrowed him money, spent eighty dollars on this pair of jeans that he liked that he never asked for, I just thought he was the shit. Te quiero soon developed and I had so much fun with him. Just watching movies and stuff. I was even okay when he went out drinking with all of his gay friends or went to the club without me. Can't say he felt the same thing for me, but he was incredibly jealous, and perhaps that's where I got the idea that he liked me. Wouldn't hold my hand (not a big deal) at scary movies (big deal), said thank-you and just liked the sex. A lot. I don't know why I liked him so much. Maybe I was just enamored with the fact that someone attractive actually liked me back for once, and that he seemed as if he had a good head on his shoulders because he was working and said he wanted to develop a relationship. Well the relationship turned cold when I realized that he couldn't communicate with me, and although this may have been slightly because of the language barrier, he could never say anything profound or even anything that made me feel on top of the world. But that's how it always goes, you know? You either really really like someone and chase them or they like you and you get bored. At least that's what happens with me. It had to end when he told me the reason he was dating me was because I was 19, available, his age, and that's about it. Not even an "I like you and I don't know why". So I did it. And I don't remember being this miserable in a really long time. I began to feel depression creeping back into my life about a week before I broke up with him, but the tears really flew the night I actually said goodbye. As I've said to so many of my friends, what hurts isn't that it's over, it's the fact that I was happy with what I was feeling and the only way I'm going to get better is to forget. But who wants to forget what makes them feel good? This time I had to follow my head and not my heart, because I can't even imagine how horrible I'd be feeling if that had lasted any longer. I don't want to forget him. I really adored him. But like I said, when you're not getting any reciprocity, it's hard to see anything going anywhere. There's just so many memories that I don't want to forget, but have to. What kills me now is the absence of closure. Because he couldn't talk to me, I'm left sending him text message and text message (a frequent occurence when we were dating) telling him how I just want to talk, but of course I don't get a response. And yes, I'm pouring my heart out to someone who doesn't care, but it's the only way I can figure out how to heal. His name was Luis. And the whole situation just fucking sucks. I know I'm not normal. I realized last night on the way home from Madison that something is wrong because I told myself that I don't want to live. I don't want to be living. I don't want to deal with this, or anything. That isn't to say that I'm going to commit suicide or anything, because not only could I not do that to myself, I couldn't do it to the people that care about me. I don't want to be the cause for anyone's suffering. And yet it seems that everyone else is the cause for mine. On top of the whole mini-relationship ordeal, I've just realized that I didn't put any walls up to protect myself, which is most likely due to the year-and-a-half absence of any love interest in my life; I simply forgot to do what I didn't feel was necessary. And the fact that I fell that hard in one month makes me fear anything I get myself into in the future. I've come to blame my depression for these erratic feelings that I keep having about everything: the crying at night, the loneliness, the sadness. But is that really the problem? I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday to see exactly what's going on in this head of mine. It might offer a little consolation to know that what I have can at least be helped a little, but it just sucks when nobody understands what it is or how you feel. At least with what happened with Luis has helped me realize that I have some problems that need addressing. (God, it's even stinging to type his name. What is wrong with me?) I knew about two months that I needed to do something about my image because it was declining rapidly. So after joining a gym and losing around twenty pounds, I feel a little better about myself, so much in fact that I decided to possibly get in PT. Yesterday, amidst a plan of clubbing and attending Regina Spektor's fantastic concert at the Majestic, I visited someone at the gym and stupidly agreed to a workout plan that I can't afford at all. So there's another problem I've got to deal with somehow. After the gym I met up with my friend Richard, who I offered to drive to Milwaukee to pick up his friend in exchange for some gas money, and then go to Madison where I would go to the concert and we'd all go to the club after. After getting horribly lost in the Hispanic ghetto (how can you not know how to get out of your own city?) we arrived in Madison just as the concert was beginning. It was great, but of course I was preoccupied, having been only two days since Luis and I had a falling out (and I later learned he was going to the club) and my friends just didn't understand and I wasn't about to impress on them my problems. So the concert ended and Richard and his friends decided to go to the club without me, and I was supposed to meet them there. Call it an anxiety attack or whatever, but I was not about to go into a club I had never been in, embrace and activity (nay, a CULTURE) that I wasn't entirely comfortable with, where my really recent ex was....alone. So I got pissed and just decided I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to go alone, I didn't want to see him and get hurt (because it's really obvious that he doesn't care about me anymore, which is probably what hurts the worst, that I fell in like with something that didn't even exist) and Richard had said a few things earlier that made me uncomfortable. It had been Luis's birthday and he texted him and said Happy Birthday and I was miffed about that, cuz I don't want to hear anything about him anyhow, but I did my best to ignore it. So anyways, I told Richard that I'd pick him up whenever they were done, he just needed to pick a time because my phone was about to die and they couldn't call me. Well he couldn't understand why I didn't want to go, and just told me to drop off his things, which I did, and then I just went home. At first I felt bad about abandoning his friends, but he chose that, not me. It sucks that I wasn't comfortable with the situation, but you know, I can't help what I feel, and I did my best to accomodate everyone's needs. So amidst a soggy car ride home (where I almost fell asleep 3 times at the wheel) I finally got home around 2 and just hit the sack. I woke up this morning at 7:30, a full hour before my alarm was supposed to go off. I don't know why, but asking for help seems to make me want to cry even more. When I told my dad I needed to see a psychologist, I just broke down again. Then in the bathroom. Then on the way to work. Then I called my grandma on break and did it again. Just not a good day. I think a large part of my problem is that I don't appreciate what I already have. When I date someone, I begin to really like their lifestyle and what they have. After going out with Luis, I saw someone who drank all the time and seemed to have a lot of fun and go clubbing with this huge group of gay friends, and I still have this feeling like that's just what I want. All my friends are a mix, and from everywhere, and no one really knows each other. There's also nobody here. Nobody that I find intriguing here in Appleton. I want all these things, and yet I'm left here with absolutely no one but myself. I'm trying to make more friends, but it's really weird. The only way I know how is online, and that isn't even working. It also contributes to the separation between friends. I met someone on Monday that I tried to have help me with the shitty hole I was in. But all we did was drink and then I cried the whole day, and he thought it helped, but it just made it harder. I get these ideas of how situation are going to pan out, and it never happens. Because usually I imagine myself having a good time, and that either doesn't happen, or does but it unexpected ways. So Richard's friendship is pretty much gone, due to stupid circumstances. Lindsay's in La Crosse. Anna and Andi are in Madison. And I'm left alone. I'm sick of everything. I don't want anything to go back to the way it was, but I do want closure. On everything. Once Sunday passed, it opened a whole new can of worms about EVERYTHING, and it seems like I'm obsessing over this stupid relationship that didn't mean anything to at least one party involved. I need to watch out for myself. And someone needs to stop this disease from taking over any other part of my body. The. End.
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1. Do you still talk with the first person you kissed? Actually, yea. 2. Have you ever seen your best friend naked? 3. Are you obsessed with someone? 4. What is the best thing about your job? 7. Did you get any compliments today? 8. Where are you going on your next vacation? 9. When was the last time you kissed someone? 10. Are most of your friends guys or girls? 11. Do you own any furniture from Ikea? 13. If you could have one super power what would it be?? 14. Where have you lived most of your life? 15. Why is the sky blue? 16. Where do you see yourself in 4 years? 17. What's your favorite smell? 18. What is your least favorite sound? 19. Are you moody? 20. Favorite movie of all time? 21. Have you ever done anything hurtful to a classmate? 22. Have you ever gone to therapy? 23. Have you ever played spin the bottle? 24. Have you ever toilet papered someone's house? 25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them? 26. Have you ever gone camping? 27. Have you ever had a crush on your Sibling's friend? 28. Have you ever gone to a nude beach? 29. Have you ever gone streaking? 30. Have you ever had a stalker? 31. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? 33. Have you ever gone to a party? 34. Have you ever been in love? 35. Have you ever been betrayed by your best friend? 36. Have you ever lied to your parents? 37. Have you ever been out of the US? 38. Have you ever thrown up from working out? 39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight? 40. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day? 41. Last song you listened to? 42. Are you a jealous person? 43. Have you ever spied on someone? 44. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers? 45. Who was the last person who called you?? 46. When was the last time you slept for 12 hours straight? 47. Have you ever been cheated on by someone? 48. Have you ever stolen anything? 49. Have you ever consumed egg nog? 50. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? |
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Music is so powerful. It can reach way inside us and pull out our innermost memories that we don't want to remember and just replay them in our mind. In can remind of a blissful time too, one that we just want to return to. Too often I find myself just sitting and singing along with the songs that are playing on my stereo or on the radio and not realizing the power that can have. One such example is "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap. If I just sit and listen deeply to this song things literally swirl in my brain. Anna Katter, college, away from home, Macs, busy college avenues, walking back from class with my iPod, mall trips on the bus, walking outside at 2AM smoking; it's everything I felt when I first listened to it up in her room on the 4th floor. And God, I just fucking miss it. I hate it when memories like that kind of escape from me and then I catch just glimpses of them in songs. And that's not the only song. Let me put my iTunes on shuffe for a second and I show you what I mean: We Belong Together (Mariah Carey) Cuando No Es Contigo (Christina Aguilera) Wind Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler) Don't Let Me Down (No Doubt) Lesson in Leavin' (Jo Dee Messina) It's just amazing. I love doing that. |
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50 Quickies 1) Who is the last person you high-fived? 2) If you were drafted into a war, would you survive? 3) Do you sleep with the TV on? 4) Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton? 5) Have you ever won a spelling bee? 6) Have you ever been stung by a bee? 7) How fast can you type? 8) Are you afraid of the dark? 9) Eye color? 10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in? 11) When is the last time you took a bath? 12) Do you knock on wood? 13) Do you floss daily? 15) Can you hoola hoop? 16) Are you good at keeping secrets? 17) Lots of one night stands? 18) Do you know the Muffin Man? 19) Do you talk in your sleep? 20) Who wrote the book of love? 21) Have you ever flown a kite? 22) Do you wish on your fallen lashes? 23) Are you successful? 24) How many people are on your contact list of your cell? 25) Have you ever asked for a pony? 26) Plans for tomorrow? 27) Can you juggle? 28) Missing someone now? 29) When was the last time you told someone I Love You? 30) And truly meant it? 31) How often do you drink? 32) How are you feeling today? 33) What do you say too much? 34) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school? 35) What are you looking forward to? 36) Do you like fruit punch? 37) Have you ever eaten dog food? 38) Can you handle the truth? 39) Do you like green eggs and ham? 40) Any cool scars? 43.) Do you like coffee? 44.) Ever been heart broken? 45.) What do you want for Christmas? 46.) Do you like to travel? 47.) Whats on your mind right now? 48.) What does your cell phone look like? 49.) Do you ENJOY DRIVING? 50.) Where are you right now? |
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I just realized that I sit here in this tiny apartment, mildly happy, while everyone else my age is having the time of their lives partying every night. And spending time with their friends. And I have none that are really. one. hundred. percent. there. I miss old times, but I don't want to let new and different times change my opinions and memories, so I'm scared to embrace them. I'm comfortable with who I am, but not comfortable enough to know whether or not this life is really right for me. I want to go out and get smashed. And dance and get sweaty. But everything has to be exactly how I want it to before I'll go with it one hundred percent. I don't even know. I want to be in high school again. I may not have been exactly like everyone else, but my independence was what made me feel special. Now all it does it make me feel lonely.
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1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet and curren street name) Goliath Hammersley 2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your mom's side, your favorite candy) Leonard Gummy 3. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your middle name) R. Fra 4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: ( favorite color, favorite animal) Purple Wolf 5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born) Francis Appleton 6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name) Reelph Gol 7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards) Sicnarf Hplodur 8. PORN STAR NAME: (middle name, street you grew up on) Francis Oneida 9. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automoblie you drive/want) The Purple Jaguar Mine suck. |
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[x] You know someone that cares about you. [x] You have a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ fiancee/ husband/ wife. [x] You have your own room. [x] You own a cell phone. [x] You have an ipod/ mp3 player. [x] Your parents are still married. [x] You have more than 2 best friends. [ ] There is a swimming pool in your backyard. [ ] You live in a house. T O T A L: 7 [x] You dress how you want to. [x] You have over 50 friends on facebook [x] You own a car. [x] You know what is going on in the world. Now count the number and multiply by 2. Then repost saying "My life is __% happy |
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BEST 1. Male friend: Josh 2. Female friend: My mom 3. Vacation: Six Flags, anytime, any day WORST LAST TODAY TOMORROW FAVORITE CURRENTLY ________________________________________ TRUE OR FALSE I am a cuddler - Depends on the person I am a morning person - I am now I am a perfectionist - False I am an only child - False I am currently in my pajamas - Kind of I am currently pregnant - True I am currently suffering from a broken heart - False I am left handed - False I am addicted to myspace- Used to be more of an addiction, but I do check it regularly I am online 24/7 - False I am very shy around the opposite gender - False I can be paranoid at times - True I currently have a crush on someone(s) - Kind of I currently regret something that I have done - False When I get mad I curse frequently - True I enjoy country music - True, for certain bands I enjoy smoothies - True I enjoy talking on the phone - True, I have no other connection with anyone I have a hard time paying attention at school - True I have a hidden talent - True I have a lot to learn - True I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal - False I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" guy/girl - False, I don't fall anymore. I just trip. everyone is wrong up until the current one- Nope I have all my grandparents - True I have at least one brother and/or sister - True I have been told that I am smart - True
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This entry is solely dedicated to people who keep it real and to two friends who can (hopefully) swallow their pride and enjoy each others company. |
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May 21st. Totally slept until like 2:15. Last night was...regrettable. I forgot why I don't drink, and now I know why. Yuck. I want to go running today but I don't know where I would go or anything. I want to get into a routine, but that's difficult to do when I smoke a million cigarettes a day. I guess it's a matter of deciding which stress reliever works better-- releasing endorphins or just getting a buzz. I hate that there's nothing left that I can identify with here. I guess it's my own doing, but yuck. I can't believe I got this way. I'm still asking myself whether or not my depression is worth fighting without meds. I just think that the more alone I get, the more suicidal tendencies [anyone] someone can have. Dumbest fucking thing ever, someone said my fridge was too warm so I turned up the cooler and it got too cold and a can of Vanilla Pepsi fucking exploded last night. That was just absolutely awesome. I'm too bored to write anymore. (Isn't that horrible to say?) |
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Stereotypes are such a strange thing. As much as the public wants to deny it exists, it's still there, because people find out what they think others think of them and react the only way they know how-- they change. But for the most part, the group agrees on only changing when necessary. Perhaps it's because I've just recently moved to a more urbanized location, or perhaps it's because the job I have forces me to deal with other races that I normally never did (not by choice, mind you, just that the establishments that I've been employed at were always focused toward a very specific group of people, e.g. Hair Salon -- rich white folk, AE -- ditto, etc. etc.). If you don't know english, chances are you're not going to go into a store that is run by pretty much all white Americans and try to buy something. People stay where they're familiar. But you can't avoid it at a bank. Which I think is awesome. Out of our now 9 employees, only 4 of us are 100% European-Americans. The others didn't even speak English natively (or did, but joined it with another language). Anyways, the point I'm rambling on about is that I think it's amazing that people fit SO WELL the stereotypes that society casts on them. Not trying to be bigoted here, just observing. And if there's an all or never or everytime, ignore it because I'm just expressing what it SEEMS like to be working behind the teller line. BUT. I find it so weird that every black woman I try to help gives me a major attitude, or that every hispanic lady is so grateful that I speak to her in Spanish. Every hispanic male is soft spoken and nonchalant and pretty much accepts what he gets, or "sea lo que sea". The white guys are all pretty much silent except when thanked, and the white women are either complete bitches or super nice. I try and treat everyone the same without preconceived notions (which is REALLY hard to do, by the way), but everyone STILL acts the same. Speaking of stereotypes, Luisa and I had this super long talk yesterday about how life has just seemed to go backward lately. I remember being in high school and knowing so strongly who I was and what I liked, and now it's not that I'm unsure, but it's that there's no one to support the exact same things as I do. Which is probably how everyone lives their life, but I can't ever get what I want as far as well, you know, like everything, which I know is unrealistic, but it's all so confusing! It's nice to be on my own, people ask if I'm lonely but it's so nice not being pissed at anyone all the time (ex.: roomate). Anyways, I don't really care to write about that. What I DO care to write about is Dalier. I love that girl so much, but she is SO SUPER sensitive, and uses that as a backup to never talk back to her, whether joking or not. She's just so strange. One day she didn't talk to me for the entire day because I said DUH to her. And you know, stupid me gives her another shot and then she's nice to me and I forget all about it. I know that's life-- and I have to forgive and forget, but I'm not going to do it constantly just because someone wants a reason to cause drama. Even yesterday, she just randomly stopped talking to me for no apparent reason and then bailed on Luiser and I when we said we wanted to hang out. She complains about how some girl wrote her on email "so much for being good friends" or whatever, and she took as a half joke, but the more she thought about it the more irritated she got. So she called the girl who wrote the email. And she even TOLD Luisa and I that she wasn't mad at the beginning but then she "realized" she had a reason to be. No, you don't, obviously the way you initially take something is the way to take it. She said she wanted everyone to be real to her-- that those people are her true friends. Yea, well I say bullshit, because she could never handle me saying something like this to her face. God, it's like when I'm with her she's so much fun, but I'm starting to feel like I need to watch who I am when I'm around her because she takes every little thing to the extreme. I don't know, whatever it's nothing worth even really getting mad about. I'm just a little sore. And it sucks that there's no fucking friends I have here because I work so much, and I can like handle it and all, but there's this voice that keeps being like "you could have friends and go out every night". Not that I have the money for it. But like I almost feel trapped now, because I HAVE no motivation to change because I'm so tired. Don't get me wrong, it's nice being alone and all, but everyone else has SOMEONE. I'm not talking to Andi because all she does is ask me for weed (I KNEW I shouldn't have offered it), Luiser's got her hoosband, Ilda has a completely different life, I've broken ties with pretty much all my friends because life has just consumed me. And by life, I mean work. Ugh I'm tired of typing. But you know? It's like I'm never going to get over being alone, even though I've convinced myself that I like it. Whatever.
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Ahhhh, life is so nice right now. I'm standing in front of the drive-up window at work working and the sun is beating down on me and my reflection-- I used to hate to get up in the morning, but it seems as if that's going away...something I'm grateful for, otherwise this job would be a bitch. I actually walked outside this morning and between the busy people in their cars driving to work and the sun shining through the trees and the brisk morning air-- I actually told myself, "Wow, you're lucky to be up at this hour to be experiencing this." And I think that's what life is all about. Just being content in what you do and how you do it. Last night I worked until 630 with Alex at Fish and then I went home and actually cleaned my apartment. I know, right? Motivation is coming from somewhere, although I'm not entirely sure where from yet. After that I went to Luisa's and Dalia, her, and I watched Bounty Hunters and Ver para Creer en Univision. It was interesting. Her husband came home and Dalia quizzed him in english (cutest thing EVER by the way) and he talked about his favorite foods and his favorite colors. It was really kind of awesome. Then I went home and pretty much fell asleep. We're (Dalia and I) supposed to go over again today because Luisita doesn't have to work and hopefully we can make some flan or something. Mmmmmm. This weekend should be good to. A nice fat paycheck for working almost a hundred hours-- twenty of which is overtime which means...bum bum bum TIME AND A HALF! Without taxes, I'd be making well over a thousand dollars, but I guess I should contribute a little bit to this country. Wow I can't believe I just said that. Hm. Well I better start actually working. Que tengan un buen dia! (Oy, uso esta frase tanto en mi trabajo. No quiero oirlo en ninguna forma de este momento...)
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I'm really sick of everything. So much that I've taken up to 60 hours a week working. I have a new apartment with no furniture. I have no friends. I smoke too much and I want to start running. I really want a guy who's just genuine and good looking and that shouldn't be that hard to find. And I'm just bored, like so bored I don't even care about making anything better. It's as if I just want to sit here in my own problems and just wallow in them. I don't even have enough emotion to just feel sorry for myself and just start crying. I don't want any friends. I'm too scared to get close to anyone. I'm not taking my meds. Things are just not good. But that's life. |
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Yes. It's true. I do have a new apartment. And it's a loft. And I'm SO EXCITED. Move-in day is May 14. Let me know if you can help me out!! |
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okay
depressed
aggravated
irritated
content